All right, assholes.

Generally my posts here are intended to be funny, ranting entries about the absurdity I encounter on a daily basis at my job on the receiving end of a customer service phone number.

Today I want to take a more serious tone, and direct this post at anyone who calls a 1-800 number for anything.

Be nice.

Please?

We would really, really appreciate it.

Now, I know how frustrating it is to call a toll-free "customer service" number to resolve an issue with your bank account, cell phone bill, etc. I know that having to go through a thousand automated-system options to get to the right representative in the right department, only to be placed on hold for 10 minutes, can be infuriating. I know that all that automated-system nonsense, waiting on hold for a long time, and then possibly being told by the random representative 2,000 miles away from you that nothing can be done, or that whatever resolution you need will take longer than expected, can make you mad. And you're probably ready to lash out at the first person you can that represents that company, to express your frustration and hopefully get something done.

Well, knock it the fuck off!

How difficult is it for you assholes to realize that the people on the other end of that toll-free number you called are not the people that fucked up your account/cell plan/computer/gym mebership? Huh?

You have an overdraft fee, and you're literally screaming at me about it. You don't think we should charge that much, you don't think that you should have gotten the fee because when the transaction was made, there were funds available. You demand to me that I reverse all the fees, and when I'm only able to do one, two, half, or god forbid, none at all, you rip me a new one for not caring about you, for ripping you off, anything you can possibly think of, utilizing all of the expletives in your vocabulary.

Shut the fuck up.

Who the hell do you think you are, you pompous, ignorant fuckhead?

You really believe that it was me who charged your account? Do you think that I told you I couldn't reverse all of your fees because I decided I didn't like the sound of your voice, or your last name? Do you honestly think that they give us, the lowest employees on the totem pole, any freedom whatsoever to make judgment calls about your account, and your money? Our policies? Anything at all, really?

If you do, you're not only a goddamn, motherfucking asshole, you're also a fucking idiot.

When I see that I cannot reverse your overdraft fees, when I tell you that you need to go into the branch for something because I'm unable to take care of it over the phone for you, if I say that you need to take time out of your precious day to write SBLB a letter instead of emailing us about something, you need to grow a brain and understand that I'm not sitting around trying to invent the most inconvenient way possible for you to get your problem resolved. What I'm doing is informing you of the applicable policies and procedures of the company that I work for.

Yes, you are correct, some of our policies and procedures are inconvenient or seemingly archaic in design and practice. That's not uncommon among coporations anywhere, in the whole wide world, dumbass. You think some other bank will be perfect for you? You're wrong. We all have policies and procedures that we're not changing just because you feel inconvenienced by them. We all, every last one of us, has federal regulations that we must follow or risk being fined, closed, etc. You know what else? Yelling at me about it isn't going to do one thing to change it. Don't bitch at me about them. Write a letter to Ben Bernake. Yell at that guy. Furthermore, do you believe that I have the power to knock on the CEO's office door and let him know that we'd better change our availability policy, because John Smith with an overdraft fee is real pissed off and might close his account?

Please understand something. When you want an overdraft fee reversed, I essentially click a button on my computer. It said yes or no. If it says yes, IT tells me how much I can reverse. If it doesn't, then I don't reverse anything. I am not the one to decide if your sob story is believable enough to warrant further reversals. If your call center representative says "no," and you want to argue further, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR FUCKING TIME. They don't give us that kind of power. No call center does. That should be obvious to you blockheaded asshats. If I say I am unable to reverse fees, I may feel sympathy or empathy for you and your issues, but that doesn't matter one bit. Seriously. Just save your energy.

Now. Here's the advice I have to offer to you short-fused, fart-brained, trigger-happy douchebags:

Take a deep fucking breath. Don't allow your frustration at the company be expressed in the form of hostility to the person who answered your phone call. If that person is rude, condescending, or otherwise unpleasant to you and it's clear that it's due to no fault of yours, then sure, have at it. Speak with his or her supervisor. Whatever. But when you're talking to a reasonable employee who is clearly trying to help you, don't be an asshole! Remember that the person you are talking to did not make the rules that you don't like, they did not personally apply your overdraft fees to your account, it's not their fault you failed to read your terms and conditions, they were not the ones to physically keep your deposited funds from you for 5 business days. They are merely the people who are hired to help you resolve account issues and educate you on banking policies and procedures at your financial institution.

While we're at it, let's discuss closing your account. When you demand to get your fees reversed and threaten to close your account if the representative isn't allowed to (BECAUSE IT'S NOT THEIR FUCKING CHOICE!) you're not making a point. You're not scary, the person your talking to doesn't really give a fuck if you continue banking here.

Let me clarify. As an employee of SBLB, I do in fact care if you remain banking with us. I personally like SBLB the most in comparison to other banks in my area, I've banked with 3, and I've recently just reopened 4 joint accounts here with my significant other. When you tell me you're going to Big Bank, or Other Big Bank, or anywhere else, I want to tell you to beware, and sometimes I do. I also care because my continued employment depends on whether or not SBLB actually has customers, considering that I am in the customer service business.

However. I have never had anyone tell me they're closing their account after treating me like a human being deserving of respect. It's always been after a long, loud screaming match where they want to argue bank policy with me, or the annoyance of $34 fees that are assessed when they treat their account like a high-interest credit card.

In conclusion, dear assclown vitriol machine, I am bloody tired of bearing the brunt of your hostility and rage. If you can't refrain from yelling at me, take a chill pill, calm your ass down, and call back later.

Ask yourself this: Does the person you are speaking with deserve to be screamed at, sworn at, and threatened because you don't like something that their employer did? Does that person deserve your verbal hate-barfing? Is that representative really the reason you're so pissed off? If the answer to any of these questions is "no," then BE NICE, YOU FUCKING DOUCHE!

Thanks for calling, have a nice day.