Generally my posts here are intended to be funny, ranting entries about the absurdity I encounter on a daily basis at my job on the receiving end of a customer service phone number.
Today I want to take a more serious tone, and direct this post at anyone who calls a 1-800 number for anything.
Be nice.
Please?
We would really, really appreciate it.
Now, I know how frustrating it is to call a toll-free "customer service" number to resolve an issue with your bank account, cell phone bill, etc. I know that having to go through a thousand automated-system options to get to the right representative in the right department, only to be placed on hold for 10 minutes, can be infuriating. I know that all that automated-system nonsense, waiting on hold for a long time, and then possibly being told by the random representative 2,000 miles away from you that nothing can be done, or that whatever resolution you need will take longer than expected, can make you mad. And you're probably ready to lash out at the first person you can that represents that company, to express your frustration and hopefully get something done.
Well, knock it the fuck off!
How difficult is it for you assholes to realize that the people on the other end of that toll-free number you called are not the people that fucked up your account/cell plan/computer/gym mebership? Huh?
You have an overdraft fee, and you're literally screaming at me about it. You don't think we should charge that much, you don't think that you should have gotten the fee because when the transaction was made, there were funds available. You demand to me that I reverse all the fees, and when I'm only able to do one, two, half, or god forbid, none at all, you rip me a new one for not caring about you, for ripping you off, anything you can possibly think of, utilizing all of the expletives in your vocabulary.
Shut the fuck up.
Who the hell do you think you are, you pompous, ignorant fuckhead?
You really believe that it was me who charged your account? Do you think that I told you I couldn't reverse all of your fees because I decided I didn't like the sound of your voice, or your last name? Do you honestly think that they give us, the lowest employees on the totem pole, any freedom whatsoever to make judgment calls about your account, and your money? Our policies? Anything at all, really?
If you do, you're not only a goddamn, motherfucking asshole, you're also a fucking idiot.
When I see that I cannot reverse your overdraft fees, when I tell you that you need to go into the branch for something because I'm unable to take care of it over the phone for you, if I say that you need to take time out of your precious day to write SBLB a letter instead of emailing us about something, you need to grow a brain and understand that I'm not sitting around trying to invent the most inconvenient way possible for you to get your problem resolved. What I'm doing is informing you of the applicable policies and procedures of the company that I work for.
Yes, you are correct, some of our policies and procedures are inconvenient or seemingly archaic in design and practice. That's not uncommon among coporations anywhere, in the whole wide world, dumbass. You think some other bank will be perfect for you? You're wrong. We all have policies and procedures that we're not changing just because you feel inconvenienced by them. We all, every last one of us, has federal regulations that we must follow or risk being fined, closed, etc. You know what else? Yelling at me about it isn't going to do one thing to change it. Don't bitch at me about them. Write a letter to Ben Bernake. Yell at that guy. Furthermore, do you believe that I have the power to knock on the CEO's office door and let him know that we'd better change our availability policy, because John Smith with an overdraft fee is real pissed off and might close his account?
Please understand something. When you want an overdraft fee reversed, I essentially click a button on my computer. It said yes or no. If it says yes, IT tells me how much I can reverse. If it doesn't, then I don't reverse anything. I am not the one to decide if your sob story is believable enough to warrant further reversals. If your call center representative says "no," and you want to argue further, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR FUCKING TIME. They don't give us that kind of power. No call center does. That should be obvious to you blockheaded asshats. If I say I am unable to reverse fees, I may feel sympathy or empathy for you and your issues, but that doesn't matter one bit. Seriously. Just save your energy.
Now. Here's the advice I have to offer to you short-fused, fart-brained, trigger-happy douchebags:
Take a deep fucking breath. Don't allow your frustration at the company be expressed in the form of hostility to the person who answered your phone call. If that person is rude, condescending, or otherwise unpleasant to you and it's clear that it's due to no fault of yours, then sure, have at it. Speak with his or her supervisor. Whatever. But when you're talking to a reasonable employee who is clearly trying to help you, don't be an asshole! Remember that the person you are talking to did not make the rules that you don't like, they did not personally apply your overdraft fees to your account, it's not their fault you failed to read your terms and conditions, they were not the ones to physically keep your deposited funds from you for 5 business days. They are merely the people who are hired to help you resolve account issues and educate you on banking policies and procedures at your financial institution.
While we're at it, let's discuss closing your account. When you demand to get your fees reversed and threaten to close your account if the representative isn't allowed to (BECAUSE IT'S NOT THEIR FUCKING CHOICE!) you're not making a point. You're not scary, the person your talking to doesn't really give a fuck if you continue banking here.
Let me clarify. As an employee of SBLB, I do in fact care if you remain banking with us. I personally like SBLB the most in comparison to other banks in my area, I've banked with 3, and I've recently just reopened 4 joint accounts here with my significant other. When you tell me you're going to Big Bank, or Other Big Bank, or anywhere else, I want to tell you to beware, and sometimes I do. I also care because my continued employment depends on whether or not SBLB actually has customers, considering that I am in the customer service business.
However. I have never had anyone tell me they're closing their account after treating me like a human being deserving of respect. It's always been after a long, loud screaming match where they want to argue bank policy with me, or the annoyance of $34 fees that are assessed when they treat their account like a high-interest credit card.
In conclusion, dear assclown vitriol machine, I am bloody tired of bearing the brunt of your hostility and rage. If you can't refrain from yelling at me, take a chill pill, calm your ass down, and call back later.
Ask yourself this: Does the person you are speaking with deserve to be screamed at, sworn at, and threatened because you don't like something that their employer did? Does that person deserve your verbal hate-barfing? Is that representative really the reason you're so pissed off? If the answer to any of these questions is "no," then BE NICE, YOU FUCKING DOUCHE!
Thanks for calling, have a nice day.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Interesting Phone Call of the Day
"Um, I need to ask you kind of an awkward question," says a customer. I am immediately wary.
"Ok..."
"So, if I want to, like, block my number from being shown on someone's Caller ID, which buttons do I push first? Is it star-77?"
...Uhh. While I still try to be helpful to customers with questions completely unrelated to TCF -- or banking -- in general, I'm really kind of appalled by the annoyance that some customers actually show when I politely say that I have no goddamn idea.
"Well I'm not really sure, sir. You may want to call your telephone company and ask them," I say to him.
"I don't have a phone company!" he replies.
...Is that so?
"Well," I say, confused at how he doesn't understand that if he has a phone, there is a company that bills him for using it, and that even if he's using someone else's phone, well, someone is billing someone for its use, "are you on a cell phone?"
"Yes!" he says.
"Then call your cell phone provider. They should be able to give you that information."
click.
...Well, ok.
"Ok..."
"So, if I want to, like, block my number from being shown on someone's Caller ID, which buttons do I push first? Is it star-77?"
...Uhh. While I still try to be helpful to customers with questions completely unrelated to TCF -- or banking -- in general, I'm really kind of appalled by the annoyance that some customers actually show when I politely say that I have no goddamn idea.
"Well I'm not really sure, sir. You may want to call your telephone company and ask them," I say to him.
"I don't have a phone company!" he replies.
...Is that so?
"Well," I say, confused at how he doesn't understand that if he has a phone, there is a company that bills him for using it, and that even if he's using someone else's phone, well, someone is billing someone for its use, "are you on a cell phone?"
"Yes!" he says.
"Then call your cell phone provider. They should be able to give you that information."
click.
...Well, ok.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Real quick,
I'm going to hang up on the next person that doesn't know that their COMPLETE address includes their apartment number.
Similarly, I will punch the next person to call me from a shop with eardrum-shattering bangs and scraping noises in the background.
Similarly, I will punch the next person to call me from a shop with eardrum-shattering bangs and scraping noises in the background.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
One Good Thing #4
Today is the last day I work my current (crappy) night schedule. Starting Sunday, I work Sun-Thurs, 8-4:30am.
It will be nice to see the sun when I leave work again.
It will be nice to see the sun when I leave work again.
Upward and Onward
...Hopefully.
Your disgruntled author finally got her resume and cover letter together to apply for a new position here at SBLB. There are a few openings in the Reg E department, which is the department that handles disputed electronic transactions. So, if I get this job, I will be investigating customer claims, speaking with merchants and customers regarding the transactions, and maybe even going to court if I'm subpoenaed! How exciting.
Wish me luck.
I'm sure that if I get this job, my posts from Reg E could be quite fascinating, indeed.
Your disgruntled author finally got her resume and cover letter together to apply for a new position here at SBLB. There are a few openings in the Reg E department, which is the department that handles disputed electronic transactions. So, if I get this job, I will be investigating customer claims, speaking with merchants and customers regarding the transactions, and maybe even going to court if I'm subpoenaed! How exciting.
Wish me luck.
I'm sure that if I get this job, my posts from Reg E could be quite fascinating, indeed.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
One Good Thing #2
Today, nobody called me any names or told me that I was giving poor customer service.
Today, I cleaned out/off my desk, and recycled unnecessary paperwork that had been accumulating for the past 9 months. The only thing that still needs attention is the tower of Tupperware containers on my desk from lunches for the past week and a half.
Today, I cleaned out/off my desk, and recycled unnecessary paperwork that had been accumulating for the past 9 months. The only thing that still needs attention is the tower of Tupperware containers on my desk from lunches for the past week and a half.
Forrest Gump called in today, 40 or 50 times
Summary of a couple recent phone conversations:
Customer wants to cancel her automatic $50 transfer from checking into her savings account that's set to happen tomorrow, because she has a check that needs to clear and the $50 would bring her overdrawn. I tell her that it is too short of notice to stop the transfer, but since she has much more than $50 in her savings, I can just transfer $50 from savings into checking so that the balances in both accounts will remain the same. Essentially, it would achieve the desired effect because of a little creative maneuvering.
She says no, she can't do that because her savings account "isn't looking too good."
I start to explain that this just doesn't matter, that the balance in both accounts will be the same, but...
"Can I just transfer it back into the checking tomorrow, when it goes through?"
"...Yes."
Hmm.
A couple calls before that one, I ask for my caller's account number. He starts giving me the card number, of course. Our customers (this seems to be common among all bank's customer's, actually, in my experience) think that their account number and card number are one in the same, so this is not new. Annoying, because that requires me to jump to another screen really quickly while the customer is rattling off their card number as quickly as possible, but not new.
Luckily for me, this time the customer was very slow at reading, so I had time.
He listed off 12 numbers, then stopped.
This happens every so often, and I can't really be too harsh, seeing as how the last 4 numbers on the check card are printed on that holographic image and therefore kind of hard to read or notice, so I politely asked for the last 4. He repeated the 9th-12th numbers. I reminded him that there are 16 digits on a check card, and that there were 4 more after that.
Two more tries, and he got it.
Next up, I asked for his first and last name.
"My first name is Howard Johnson, my last name is Johnson."
"...Ok. Thanks, Mr. Johnson. Can you verify your address please?"
"4952 Miller Court."
"...City and state, please..."
"Oh. Minneapolis."
Whatever.
The requirement is that I get the city OR state OR zip, but I feel like it sounds weird to just ask for one of the three, so I just ask for city and state. In response, they almost always say just the city, just the state, or the city, state, AND zip, even though I didn't ask for it.
Again, whatever. Just, whatever.
He asks his balance, I tell him it's $7.01, and he asks why he can't use it. I just assume that his check card has been declined (he doesn't bother to tell me that information. Luckily after a month of being here and being exposed to non-questions and trying to figure out what they want you to do with them, it's pretty easy to figure out. It's like trying to decipher what a drunk person is saying. You work at a bar, you're probably pretty good at it. I'm pretty good at figuring out what idiots are really asking from me). I pull up the card information. It hasn't been activated.
Sigh.
Apparently the sticker on the front of the card, indictating that it's necessary to activate it before use, with the phone number to call to do so, wasn't written in the correct language, or didn't have enough pictures of naked ladies or bright enough colors on it to grab hold of the customer's attention.
No, sir, I can't activate it for you. Let me transfer you to the automated system so you can do it yourself, and here's how.
I feel bad for whoever is talking to him right now, trying to help him now that he couldn't figure out how to activate it in the automated system.
Ok, I may be a little mean in assuming that he can't figure it out, but based on our conversation? I'd say it's a pretty safe bet.
Now, going back to the card number-as-account number thing, though, I think that the wide use of check cards/debit cards is just plain confusing our customers. I do not think that this is just SBLB's customers, but more of, well, most customers under the age of 22 or so.
Long before I worked at a bank, when I was 18-19 years old and banked with Big Bank, I would call them fairly often to ask why my account was overdrawn again (yeah, yeah, I was that customer. I must be paying my karmic debt) and they would ask for my account number, which I almost never had. I would say, "I don't have that, but I do have my check card number. Can I give you that instead?"
I knew the difference.
One other thing I notice is how frequently people call and ask me "How much is on my card?" as though their card was the holder of their money, like it was a gift card. Forgetting that their account is what has the money, their card is merely one way to access the money in their account.
Whatever, I'm just being nit-picky now and sound like a giant snob.
I think I'm due for a One Good Thing post now. I'll try and rack my brain for one.
Customer wants to cancel her automatic $50 transfer from checking into her savings account that's set to happen tomorrow, because she has a check that needs to clear and the $50 would bring her overdrawn. I tell her that it is too short of notice to stop the transfer, but since she has much more than $50 in her savings, I can just transfer $50 from savings into checking so that the balances in both accounts will remain the same. Essentially, it would achieve the desired effect because of a little creative maneuvering.
She says no, she can't do that because her savings account "isn't looking too good."
I start to explain that this just doesn't matter, that the balance in both accounts will be the same, but...
"Can I just transfer it back into the checking tomorrow, when it goes through?"
"...Yes."
Hmm.
A couple calls before that one, I ask for my caller's account number. He starts giving me the card number, of course. Our customers (this seems to be common among all bank's customer's, actually, in my experience) think that their account number and card number are one in the same, so this is not new. Annoying, because that requires me to jump to another screen really quickly while the customer is rattling off their card number as quickly as possible, but not new.
Luckily for me, this time the customer was very slow at reading, so I had time.
He listed off 12 numbers, then stopped.
This happens every so often, and I can't really be too harsh, seeing as how the last 4 numbers on the check card are printed on that holographic image and therefore kind of hard to read or notice, so I politely asked for the last 4. He repeated the 9th-12th numbers. I reminded him that there are 16 digits on a check card, and that there were 4 more after that.
Two more tries, and he got it.
Next up, I asked for his first and last name.
"My first name is Howard Johnson, my last name is Johnson."
"...Ok. Thanks, Mr. Johnson. Can you verify your address please?"
"4952 Miller Court."
"...City and state, please..."
"Oh. Minneapolis."
Whatever.
The requirement is that I get the city OR state OR zip, but I feel like it sounds weird to just ask for one of the three, so I just ask for city and state. In response, they almost always say just the city, just the state, or the city, state, AND zip, even though I didn't ask for it.
Again, whatever. Just, whatever.
He asks his balance, I tell him it's $7.01, and he asks why he can't use it. I just assume that his check card has been declined (he doesn't bother to tell me that information. Luckily after a month of being here and being exposed to non-questions and trying to figure out what they want you to do with them, it's pretty easy to figure out. It's like trying to decipher what a drunk person is saying. You work at a bar, you're probably pretty good at it. I'm pretty good at figuring out what idiots are really asking from me). I pull up the card information. It hasn't been activated.
Sigh.
Apparently the sticker on the front of the card, indictating that it's necessary to activate it before use, with the phone number to call to do so, wasn't written in the correct language, or didn't have enough pictures of naked ladies or bright enough colors on it to grab hold of the customer's attention.
No, sir, I can't activate it for you. Let me transfer you to the automated system so you can do it yourself, and here's how.
I feel bad for whoever is talking to him right now, trying to help him now that he couldn't figure out how to activate it in the automated system.
Ok, I may be a little mean in assuming that he can't figure it out, but based on our conversation? I'd say it's a pretty safe bet.
Now, going back to the card number-as-account number thing, though, I think that the wide use of check cards/debit cards is just plain confusing our customers. I do not think that this is just SBLB's customers, but more of, well, most customers under the age of 22 or so.
Long before I worked at a bank, when I was 18-19 years old and banked with Big Bank, I would call them fairly often to ask why my account was overdrawn again (yeah, yeah, I was that customer. I must be paying my karmic debt) and they would ask for my account number, which I almost never had. I would say, "I don't have that, but I do have my check card number. Can I give you that instead?"
I knew the difference.
One other thing I notice is how frequently people call and ask me "How much is on my card?" as though their card was the holder of their money, like it was a gift card. Forgetting that their account is what has the money, their card is merely one way to access the money in their account.
Whatever, I'm just being nit-picky now and sound like a giant snob.
I think I'm due for a One Good Thing post now. I'll try and rack my brain for one.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
One Good Thing
So, I've started to notice (as I'm sure anyone reading this with any amount of regularity has) that, the longer I work here, the angrier and bitchier my posts are.
I'm going to attempt to change that by posting about one good work-related thing that happened to me each day.
Today, I received a 100% on my Quality analysis. That's two in a row for this month.
Bonus: I got to tell two old Southern men where the nearest steakhouse was on my smoke break. This is good because I always fantasize about giving accurate directions to out-of-towners.
No, seriously.
So that made me feel good.
Have a lovely day.
I'm going to attempt to change that by posting about one good work-related thing that happened to me each day.
Today, I received a 100% on my Quality analysis. That's two in a row for this month.
Bonus: I got to tell two old Southern men where the nearest steakhouse was on my smoke break. This is good because I always fantasize about giving accurate directions to out-of-towners.
No, seriously.
So that made me feel good.
Have a lovely day.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Your author finally lost it
Well.
I just got off the phone with a woman who wanted to vent her guts out about how much she hated the inconvenience of our online banking upgrade, and how our general message about enabling cookies was not good enough because, basically, it didn't specify what could be the problem with HER computer or account SPECIFICALLY.
After a bunch of whining (she also didn't like the identification process, thought it was too much. Next time I'll just give her account information to anyone who asks without bothering with all that "crap.") she finally asks for a phone number to complain about it. I tell her I can certainly get her to a supervisor, and--- she interrupts, No, she doesn't want to sit on the phone anymore. What's the direct number? I say we don't have one. We have an address where she can mail a---
HAHAHAHAHA!! She says. Mail a letter? As if I'm going to waste my time. Why don't you get me to your main office in Minneapolis.
Well, actually, you are talking to the main office in Minneapolis, I can get--
No, no, no, she says, you are just giving me a hard time. Don't give me the runaround. What is your name?
I tell her, and she ever so kindly offers me some advice: "Work on your customer service, Phonebankx!!!" and hangs up.
The problem... is that I never... ever... raised my voice... or had any kind of "tone"... or was sarcastic... never actually gave her a hard time at all... even offered to transfer her to a supervisor, but she interrupted me before I could tell her why that would be beneficial and related to her concern directly (the "supervisors" are online banking reps)...
Fucking bitch.
I just got off the phone with a woman who wanted to vent her guts out about how much she hated the inconvenience of our online banking upgrade, and how our general message about enabling cookies was not good enough because, basically, it didn't specify what could be the problem with HER computer or account SPECIFICALLY.
After a bunch of whining (she also didn't like the identification process, thought it was too much. Next time I'll just give her account information to anyone who asks without bothering with all that "crap.") she finally asks for a phone number to complain about it. I tell her I can certainly get her to a supervisor, and--- she interrupts, No, she doesn't want to sit on the phone anymore. What's the direct number? I say we don't have one. We have an address where she can mail a---
HAHAHAHAHA!! She says. Mail a letter? As if I'm going to waste my time. Why don't you get me to your main office in Minneapolis.
Well, actually, you are talking to the main office in Minneapolis, I can get--
No, no, no, she says, you are just giving me a hard time. Don't give me the runaround. What is your name?
I tell her, and she ever so kindly offers me some advice: "Work on your customer service, Phonebankx!!!" and hangs up.
The problem... is that I never... ever... raised my voice... or had any kind of "tone"... or was sarcastic... never actually gave her a hard time at all... even offered to transfer her to a supervisor, but she interrupted me before I could tell her why that would be beneficial and related to her concern directly (the "supervisors" are online banking reps)...
Fucking bitch.
Friday, September 5, 2008
I'm Here to Listen
The notes in the account of the customer I just spoke with (identifying parts removed, of course):
Apparently she talks a lot, and goes negative a lot. This is not unusual for SBLB customers.
REV NO MORE FEES.
11/13/2008
DENIED FEE REV 05/15/08
11/19/2008
RVSL DENIED 5/21/08
11/19/2008
DENIED FEES 6373
07/09/2008
CUST IS VERY RUDE, WLDN`T ALLW ME TO TALK OR EXPLN WHY ACCT IS NEG
07/17/2008
CUSTOMER VERY RUDE WILL NOT ALLOW U SPEAK AND HUNG UP WHEN TO QUE TO GET SUPERVISOR, SUPERVISOR WAS IN QUE PICKED UP RIGHT AWA NO NEED FOR CUSTOMER TO HAVE HUNG UP
07/17/2008
DENIED FEE REV
NO MORE
She talked for exactly 8 minutes and 57 seconds, explaining every transaction that occured to bring her negative. I'm trying to be better about my habit of interrupting customers who don't know how to be clear and concise with their explanations or requests, so I STFU and waited. The problem with doing this, I have noticed, is that if you don't interrupt them, they keep talking, as long as they possibly can, until they've said out loud every single word that they know.
Anyway. 5 minutes later, she pauses long enough for me to say about 15 words in response, because naturally, I knew what the problem was that she was describing after the first sentence she uttered and wanted to clear up the misunderstanding.
After my 15 or so words, she disagrees and spends the next almost 4 minutes explaining why, and then ends with, "Finally, someone at SBLB who knows how to talk to customers. I'm going to go into the branch to get this straightened out."
...
Well, glad I could be of service.
Apparently she talks a lot, and goes negative a lot. This is not unusual for SBLB customers.
REV NO MORE FEES.
11/13/2008
DENIED FEE REV 05/15/08
11/19/2008
RVSL DENIED 5/21/08
11/19/2008
DENIED FEES 6373
07/09/2008
CUST IS VERY RUDE, WLDN`T ALLW ME TO TALK OR EXPLN WHY ACCT IS NEG
07/17/2008
CUSTOMER VERY RUDE WILL NOT ALLOW U SPEAK AND HUNG UP WHEN TO QUE TO GET SUPERVISOR, SUPERVISOR WAS IN QUE PICKED UP RIGHT AWA NO NEED FOR CUSTOMER TO HAVE HUNG UP
07/17/2008
DENIED FEE REV
NO MORE
She talked for exactly 8 minutes and 57 seconds, explaining every transaction that occured to bring her negative. I'm trying to be better about my habit of interrupting customers who don't know how to be clear and concise with their explanations or requests, so I STFU and waited. The problem with doing this, I have noticed, is that if you don't interrupt them, they keep talking, as long as they possibly can, until they've said out loud every single word that they know.
Anyway. 5 minutes later, she pauses long enough for me to say about 15 words in response, because naturally, I knew what the problem was that she was describing after the first sentence she uttered and wanted to clear up the misunderstanding.
After my 15 or so words, she disagrees and spends the next almost 4 minutes explaining why, and then ends with, "Finally, someone at SBLB who knows how to talk to customers. I'm going to go into the branch to get this straightened out."
...
Well, glad I could be of service.
Requirements to Open an Account at SBLB
1. Must have limited to no knowledge about bank accounts or how they work
2. Must be illiterate, at least during the times when it would be beneficial to read things like terms and conditions, or statements, or any other correspondence from the bank
3. Must have severe attitude problem
4. Must agree to only call bank when one of the following applies:
-While on cell phone in an area without good recption
-Screaming baby in background
-With a complicated problem while being in a hurry
-Without any account information whatsoever
-In a really bad mood
5. Customer required to be unaware of their complete address
6. Must be under the impression that knowing their own social security number means that they can get any information they want or need from the bank
7. Must be able to talk for 7 minutes straight, repeating his or herself several times while asking questions to the call center rep without allowing them to answer.
Apply within.
2. Must be illiterate, at least during the times when it would be beneficial to read things like terms and conditions, or statements, or any other correspondence from the bank
3. Must have severe attitude problem
4. Must agree to only call bank when one of the following applies:
-While on cell phone in an area without good recption
-Screaming baby in background
-With a complicated problem while being in a hurry
-Without any account information whatsoever
-In a really bad mood
5. Customer required to be unaware of their complete address
6. Must be under the impression that knowing their own social security number means that they can get any information they want or need from the bank
7. Must be able to talk for 7 minutes straight, repeating his or herself several times while asking questions to the call center rep without allowing them to answer.
Apply within.
How Not to Talk to Me on the Phone
I'm aware that this blog is turning into a giant daily rant, but whatever.
This is what NOT to do when you call a bank with a problem (paraphrased from an earlier call today):
"Hi, um, my name is Suzie Smith and I ordered this thing off this informercial like a retard and they charged me and that was fine, and then it overdrew me, which was fine, I paid it, but then they kept charging me and now I don't know what to do because I ordered it off the infomercial and I tried to call them with the number that you all gave me, and they wouldn't answer, I just kept talking to this robotic person but no real human ever came on and so I don't know what to do, because I don't even know why they're charging me, but they did it again, and I don't know what to do. The first charge is ok but I don't know why they keep charging my card--"
Me: "Ok! We can dispute the charges. Which charge is the one that you authorized?"
"Well, they charged me the one time, but when I tried to call them, no one ever answered, I could never get a hold of anybody there, and they just kept charging me, and I don't know why, so I don't know what to do now because you guys keep charging me overdraft fees when they charge me. I don't know why they're still charging me, I should have never ordered anything off the TV. I just keep getting these overdraft--"
Me: "THAT'SFINEWECANDISPUTETHETRANSACTIONSANDTHEOVERDRAFTFEES WHICHCHARGEISTHEAUTHORIZEDONEPLEASE?"
"Well I don't really remember I mean they just kept doing it so I don't really know, I mean, it was like 2 months ago I think? Maybe--"
You get the idea.
This is what NOT to do when you call a bank with a problem (paraphrased from an earlier call today):
"Hi, um, my name is Suzie Smith and I ordered this thing off this informercial like a retard and they charged me and that was fine, and then it overdrew me, which was fine, I paid it, but then they kept charging me and now I don't know what to do because I ordered it off the infomercial and I tried to call them with the number that you all gave me, and they wouldn't answer, I just kept talking to this robotic person but no real human ever came on and so I don't know what to do, because I don't even know why they're charging me, but they did it again, and I don't know what to do. The first charge is ok but I don't know why they keep charging my card--"
Me: "Ok! We can dispute the charges. Which charge is the one that you authorized?"
"Well, they charged me the one time, but when I tried to call them, no one ever answered, I could never get a hold of anybody there, and they just kept charging me, and I don't know why, so I don't know what to do now because you guys keep charging me overdraft fees when they charge me. I don't know why they're still charging me, I should have never ordered anything off the TV. I just keep getting these overdraft--"
Me: "THAT'SFINEWECANDISPUTETHETRANSACTIONSANDTHEOVERDRAFTFEES WHICHCHARGEISTHEAUTHORIZEDONEPLEASE?"
"Well I don't really remember I mean they just kept doing it so I don't really know, I mean, it was like 2 months ago I think? Maybe--"
You get the idea.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Raindrops on Windows and Whiskers on Kittens
One of my favorite things in the whole wide world is when I get a phone call from a customer who is calling from a car, all the windows rolled down, music blaring, and 3 other passengers also yelling into their own cell phones.
It's even better if the cell phone has terrible reception and the caller speaks little to no understandable english.
It makes me especially happy if this happens several times a day.
It's even better if the cell phone has terrible reception and the caller speaks little to no understandable english.
It makes me especially happy if this happens several times a day.
Useless Knowledge
Working at SBLB has turned me into a dictionary of completely useless information. I know all kinds of weird details about things that don't matter to anyone else but me, yet I feel compelled to share them with people, to prove that I know these things that no one else knows. It's just that I am quite certain that I'm never going to have the opportunity to, say, be at a party where someone runs into the room, shouting desperately, "Quick! I need Chicago's area code, STAT!" And I come to the rescue, standing up, announcing, "Worry no more. The area code you are looking for is 773." This would be met with looks of gratitude, possibly applause, maybe even free beer, and exclaimations like, "Wow! That's amazing! How did you know?! What ELSE do you know, Phonebankx?!"
Then I will graciously bestow my knowledge upon the Little People, so that they, too, may benefit from its power.
I will tell them that Mastercard account numbers or card numbers always start with a 5, and that Visa always starts with a 4.
I will tell them that...
...
Really, are those two nuggests of knowledge the only things I would have to share with the laymen? That's even more pathetic than I thought.
Then I will graciously bestow my knowledge upon the Little People, so that they, too, may benefit from its power.
I will tell them that Mastercard account numbers or card numbers always start with a 5, and that Visa always starts with a 4.
I will tell them that...
...
Really, are those two nuggests of knowledge the only things I would have to share with the laymen? That's even more pathetic than I thought.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Thanks for Calling Your Girlfriend, How Can I Help You?
Me: Thanks for calling, my name is phonebankx, can I have your account number please?
Caller: Uh, where do I find that?
Me: It's the second set of numbers on your check, or in the upper right-hand corner of your statement.
Caller: Do I have to go into a branch for that?
Me: ...Umm. I can also look it up with your card number. Do you have that?
Caller: It's in my car.
Me: I'm sorry, I'm only able to give account information with your account number or card number.
Caller: But do you love me?
Me: ...
...AHAHAHAAHAHAA!!!
I have the coolest boyfriend ever.
Caller: Uh, where do I find that?
Me: It's the second set of numbers on your check, or in the upper right-hand corner of your statement.
Caller: Do I have to go into a branch for that?
Me: ...Umm. I can also look it up with your card number. Do you have that?
Caller: It's in my car.
Me: I'm sorry, I'm only able to give account information with your account number or card number.
Caller: But do you love me?
Me: ...
...AHAHAHAAHAHAA!!!
I have the coolest boyfriend ever.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Invasion of the Republicans
I'm used to standing outside my building on smoke breaks and seeing dreadlocked farmers-market-goers, tattooed and pierced joggers, and bicyclists all over the place. Today I went to my usual smoking area and saw instead generic, suited-up businessmen exiting large shuttle busses and hailing taxis, snot-nosed trust fund college kids scoffing at the locals, and an influx of black Suburbans and Yukons.
I'm a little unnerved at all the activity, the snipers that are just barely visible on surrounding rooftops, the sudden discomfort I feel discussing left-leaning politics out loud in front of the smug-looking passers-by... the Twin Cities, while a good-sized metropolitan area, is not really what I would think of as a huge attraction for people like the RNC-goers. I find the decision to bring it here to be rather interesting and a bit confusing, but then again, what do I know?
I have one more smoke break before my workday is over. If I see any drunken Republican sex scandals occur outside the hotel next door, you'll be the first to know.
I'm a little unnerved at all the activity, the snipers that are just barely visible on surrounding rooftops, the sudden discomfort I feel discussing left-leaning politics out loud in front of the smug-looking passers-by... the Twin Cities, while a good-sized metropolitan area, is not really what I would think of as a huge attraction for people like the RNC-goers. I find the decision to bring it here to be rather interesting and a bit confusing, but then again, what do I know?
I have one more smoke break before my workday is over. If I see any drunken Republican sex scandals occur outside the hotel next door, you'll be the first to know.
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