I guess all call centers really are the same

Me: "Thank you for calling SBLB, can I have your account number please?"

Crochety Old Man: "1234567890."

Now, I typed in the number and wasn't able to pull up an account. I asked him if it was a checking or savings account, or possibly a CD, which I hadn't considered at first.

COM: "It's a CHECKING ACCOUNT."

Me: "I'm sorry, I'm unable to pull up an account with that number. Let me repeat it to you..."

COM: "YES THAT'S MY ACCOUNT NUMBER! IT'S MY CHECKING ACCOUNT AND IT'S
OPEN! OF COURSE THERE'S NOTHING COMING UP, THERE'S ALWAYS A PROBLEM!"

Me: "I'm sorry, Sir, is it possible that you're looking at an old checkbook from a closed account? I'm not able to pull up anything in my system."

COM: "IT'S NOT A CLOSED ACCOUNT! YOU FIX THIS PROBLEM, YOU HEAR ME?! FIX IT!!!"

Me, desperately resisting the urge to disconnect the call: "I'm sorry, SIR, the account is not coming up. Perhaps if you have a recent statement, I could pull it up with the number on there."

I suggest this thinking that he was wrong, and that he really had read from an old checkbook.

COM: "FINE."

There is some shuffling, he comes back, and reads me the exact same account number.

Me: "I'm really sorry, sir, I am not--"

COM: "YOU FIX IT!"

At this point my patience is wearing quite thin, and I am growing increasing frustrated with being yelled at and ordered around. My tone, as you can imagine, is no longer pleasant.

Me: "I CAN NOT 'FIX' this problem, SIR. If the number you gave me is an open and active account, I would be able to pull it up. Unfortunately I am not able to pull yours up, so it is not a valid account number."

COM: "YEAH! tHAT'S WHAT YOUR WORTHLESS AUTOMATIC PHONE THING SAID! INVALID OR SOME NONSENSE."

Me: "Do you have a check card for the account?"

COM, shuffling as he searches for it and continues to bitch about the bank: "I can't believe this bank. I just made a deposit at your bank, and let me tell you, Big Bank is the SLOWEST bank I've ever--"

Me, steam coming out of my ears: "THIS IS SBLB, NOT BIG BANK!!!"

COM: "Yeah. My check card number is 1234-5678-9012-3456."

Me: "THIS IS NOT BIG BANK! YOU ARE CALLING SBLB!"

COM, still not getting it: "WELL? YOU GOT IT UP THERE?!"

Me: "WE ARE SBLB, NOT BIG BANK!!! CALL BIG BANK! YOU CALLED SBLB!!!"

COM, apparently angry with ME for working for the wrong bank: "Well THAT would be the problem then!!"

Me: "YES IT WOULD CERTAINLY BE THE PROBLEM!! ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?!"

He gave some unintelligible grunts and hung up.