I guess all call centers really are the same

Me: "Thank you for calling SBLB, can I have your account number please?"

Crochety Old Man: "1234567890."

Now, I typed in the number and wasn't able to pull up an account. I asked him if it was a checking or savings account, or possibly a CD, which I hadn't considered at first.

COM: "It's a CHECKING ACCOUNT."

Me: "I'm sorry, I'm unable to pull up an account with that number. Let me repeat it to you..."

COM: "YES THAT'S MY ACCOUNT NUMBER! IT'S MY CHECKING ACCOUNT AND IT'S
OPEN! OF COURSE THERE'S NOTHING COMING UP, THERE'S ALWAYS A PROBLEM!"

Me: "I'm sorry, Sir, is it possible that you're looking at an old checkbook from a closed account? I'm not able to pull up anything in my system."

COM: "IT'S NOT A CLOSED ACCOUNT! YOU FIX THIS PROBLEM, YOU HEAR ME?! FIX IT!!!"

Me, desperately resisting the urge to disconnect the call: "I'm sorry, SIR, the account is not coming up. Perhaps if you have a recent statement, I could pull it up with the number on there."

I suggest this thinking that he was wrong, and that he really had read from an old checkbook.

COM: "FINE."

There is some shuffling, he comes back, and reads me the exact same account number.

Me: "I'm really sorry, sir, I am not--"

COM: "YOU FIX IT!"

At this point my patience is wearing quite thin, and I am growing increasing frustrated with being yelled at and ordered around. My tone, as you can imagine, is no longer pleasant.

Me: "I CAN NOT 'FIX' this problem, SIR. If the number you gave me is an open and active account, I would be able to pull it up. Unfortunately I am not able to pull yours up, so it is not a valid account number."

COM: "YEAH! tHAT'S WHAT YOUR WORTHLESS AUTOMATIC PHONE THING SAID! INVALID OR SOME NONSENSE."

Me: "Do you have a check card for the account?"

COM, shuffling as he searches for it and continues to bitch about the bank: "I can't believe this bank. I just made a deposit at your bank, and let me tell you, Big Bank is the SLOWEST bank I've ever--"

Me, steam coming out of my ears: "THIS IS SBLB, NOT BIG BANK!!!"

COM: "Yeah. My check card number is 1234-5678-9012-3456."

Me: "THIS IS NOT BIG BANK! YOU ARE CALLING SBLB!"

COM, still not getting it: "WELL? YOU GOT IT UP THERE?!"

Me: "WE ARE SBLB, NOT BIG BANK!!! CALL BIG BANK! YOU CALLED SBLB!!!"

COM, apparently angry with ME for working for the wrong bank: "Well THAT would be the problem then!!"

Me: "YES IT WOULD CERTAINLY BE THE PROBLEM!! ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?!"

He gave some unintelligible grunts and hung up.

Lessons in Good Phone Etiquette #2

Wait until your baby stops wailing before calling me. If it does start wailing while you are on the phone with me, either apologize to me and hang up, or tell someone to watch it while you go to a quieter room. You suck if you think I should not care that my eardrums are being split and I can't even hear myself think, let alone hear what you're asking me. Just because you're now immune to it doesn't mean the rest of us are.

One More Time...?

"What is the last deposit you see in my account?"

July 21 for $1,281.00.

"No way. No way. There aren't any after that?"

No, ma'am, there are not.

"Are you sure? My husband should have gotten paid. Was there a deposit on July 31st?"

NO, Ma'am, there have not been any deposits since July 21st.

"My husband deposited his payroll check last Friday! Are you sure it hasn't posted?!"

No. It. Has. Not. Posted. There. Have. Been. NO. Deposits. Since. The. 21st.

"Look on the 31st. Anything? Like, around $1000?"

Yes! Ding Ding Ding!

Whew! Most people don't catch on to that game we play here; You have to ask us the question you want the answer to 5 times before we'll tell you the correct answer. You win! No... wait, that's not right... you get $306 in overdraft fees*, since YOUR FUCKING DEPOSIT DIDN'T POST, like I JUST TOLD YOU 5 TIMES.

*of course, like any good phone banker, I explained to the nutter customer how to properly go about getting the necessary information from this elusive deposit so that we could file a research claim to get it back, and once it was found, the fees would, naturally, be reversed as a bank error. I'm not a jerk or anything, gosh.

Lessons in Good Phone Ettiquette #1

If you're getting shitty cell phone reception, hang up and find a better place from which to call me. Simply shouting whatever it is I didn't catch because of how badly you're breaking up certainly isn't going to solve anything.

People Say the Darndest Things!

Heard, today, while telling a cranky woman that she had to go into a branch to change her name to her preferred "Ginny" over "Virginia" on her statement:

"Well. That's just insane. My Beemer is in the shop, and if you think I'm walking there, uh-uh. It's way too humid for that. I just can't believe the inconvenience!"

I think this "Beemer" owner probably hung up feeling relieved, as she had more than likely been waiting for such an opportunity to let someone know that she was, in fact, finally an owner of those coveted BMWs for some time, and that that alone was reason enough to treat her as though she were presenting herself to be some kind of respectable human being. I don't think I would have heard: "My Toyota Corrola is in the shop; I can't make it to the branch. You're all a bunch of incompetent assclowns."

...Which reminds me of a joke:

Q: What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has its pricks on the outside.